Secrets
by AlexisRyanne
Summary: Sercets Edward finds out about Bellas Darkest Nights. Mature themes.
1. Chapter One

Chapter One

"Bella? Bella, love, can I see your arm?" I heard an angel ask me. I didn't even bother to open my eyes but instead groaned. What kind of question was that?

"Sure," I mumbled half asleep. I felt Edward's cool hands touch my arms and run his fingers horizontally across my skin. My fogged brain was slow to comprehend what Edward was doing. My eyes shot open and I tried to push him away. My scars.

"Isabella," Edward growled. "What the _hell_ did you do to yourself?"

* * *

><p><em>I stared at the thin piece of metal, shining from the light of the moon, on the cool tile floor with tired eyes. It was so small, so close. It could make me feel something again, anything but the constant numbness that suffocates me.<em>

_I picked up the razor and brought it towards my wrist with shaky hands. Applying just a small amount of pressure will split my skin and allow the crimson blood to flow out freely. There was a slight sting but nothing unmanageable. I greatly welcomed feeling that began to flow through my veins and I smiled to myself. I could actually _feel _something._

_I watched the blood flow so easily out of my body with a small smile on my face. Oh, how I wished I could smile as easily as the blood streamed out. I moved up my arm and did it again and again, enjoying the new sensation. I bit my lip and dropped the blood covered razor causing the leftover liquid to splatter across the white tile and continued to stare at the fascinating liquid._

_After sometime I decided it was enough and began to clean up. I cleaned my wrist quickly before applying some band aids. I bent down and picked up the razor, washed it off and walked out of the bathroom. I looked down at my wrist and smiled. Who knew this could make me feel so good? I shut my door and hid the razor in a sock before putting it into my drawer. I could tell this was something that was going to happen daily to keep me sane._

* * *

><p>"I'm so sorry," was all I could muster out. He refused to let go of my wrist and continued to trace the darkened scars.<p>

"Why?" he asked barely above a whisper. I pulled my hand from out his grasp and looked away. How could I confess and tell him that the cause of so much pain was from him leaving? Yes, of course Edward knew that I was in a great deal of pain when he left me after my birthday but he had no real idea of how much pain and self inflicted harm I had did while he was away. His icy hands surrounded my face and applied a small amount of pressure to force me to look at him. His dark eyes were full of fear, sadness, and curiosity.

"Tell me," he begged but how could I?

"Edward," I said closing my eyes. "It doesn't matter now. It's over. It's the past."

"It's over?" he echoed. I looked at him begging him with my eyes to drop it. He didn't.

"Tell me," he demanded with fierce eyes.

"You left me…" was all I could say with a lump forming in my throat and tears clouding my vision. I looked away when his face turned into devastation. I shouldn't have told him. Saved him his sanity from blaming himself. I should have lied. He would never be able to live with himself now.

"I caused this? You did this because I left? Why, Bella? Why?" A strangled sob escaped my lips.

"I'm so sorry. I couldn't live without you."

He grabbed my face roughly and glared at him. I blinked away my tears. He looked beautiful, perfection. I didn't deserve him. Another sob escaped from me as I wondered why he settled with me and my flaws.

"I love you, Isabella. I'm so sorry for all the pain I ever caused you. I promise - no _swear_ that I will _never_ hurt you like that ever again and will always make sure you are filled with happiness. I love you with every ounce of my being. Please, Bella. _Please_. Promise me you'll never do this harm to yourself again."

"I promise," I whispered.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

"Hey, Bells!" Charlie called out with a grunt.

"Yes?" I replied with a small laugh.

"Leaving to go fishing. Can you take care of yourself while I'm gone? I'll bring back some fish."

"I'll be fine. Have fun and don't hurt yourself." Charlie walked out with a wink. I turned back to making myself stew and began to hum to myself quietly.

"Beautiful," I heard as cold arms wrapped themselves around me. I instinctively leaned against the love of my life and smiled.

"I missed you," I said softly as I chopped the rest of the onions. Edward took hold of the knife I had in my hand. I was about to protest thinking it was about the newly discovered dark secret he had just learned about me until he spun me around to face his angelic face.

"There's something I would like to speak to you about," he murmured. I looked at him curiously. He captured my wrist and kissed the scars that were there before stating what was on his mind.

"Alice reactivated her Email," I froze. "and found some interesting things you were trying to send to her whilst I was away."

"Oh," was all I could say. Edward stared at me intently with a pained expression. He was so torn and it was my fault. I placed my hands on his face and kissed him gently.

"Edward-"

"_Alice, I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't want to live. What's the point? Edward is gone. He left me. I'll never be myself again without him. I'll never be whole. I'm just an empty shell," _he recounted. My heart broke in half and then shattered into a million pieces listening to him recite an Email I had sent his beloved sister.

Not only had I involved Edward in my pain but also his family I so much adored. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I could not see how selfish I was being. I looked up at him and tears began to spill over as realization hit me.

"I'm so sorry. You don't deserve me. I'm so selfish and was only thinking of myself," I choked out. His thumbs swept across my cheeks wiping away my tears.

"I love you. You were not being selfish but was I. I should have never left you alone. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, Bella," He begged.

"Of course I do, Edward," I said without a second thought. He stared down at me for quite some time before he spoke.

"Is there anything I do not know about, Bella? Please be honest with me. I need to know, so we can deal with this together. You're not alone, my love."

I didn't know how to tell him that there was more. So much more. So much I was afraid he would leave and never come back. Run away from me like he should and find someone he deserves that will be better for him.

"Please, don't leave," I begged as I cried into his chest.

"Never," he paused. "Is there more, love?"

All I could do was nod and break down into uncontrollable sobs.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

"Tell me," he said after some time. I didn't know where to begin. How does one confess their deepest, darkest secrets?

"I stopped talking to my friends once you were gone," I began. "Charlie was very worried about me. He threatened to send me to live back with my mother. I couldn't move though. I couldn't live. Forks was the only proof that I had that you existed."

"My beautiful, Bella," Edward said sadly. He brushed some of pieces of my from off my face. I closed my eyes enjoying his touch.

"I love you," I said softly opening my eyes. He had a sad smile on his lips.

"I know," he said tracing my lips with one finger. "and as I love you too."

I smiled at his words and tangled my fingers in his hair trying to pull him down closer to my face. He complied and touched my lips softly. His hands roamed my body and settled on my hips as the kiss began to deepen. A ring began to fill the house and Edward broke apart from the kiss.

"No!" I whined gasping for air. He chuckled.

"You should answer the phone," he said as the ringing continued. I rushed down the stairs, into the kitchen, to answer the phone.

"Hello?" I answered still slightly breathless.

"Bella?"

"Jacob?" I asked shocked. Edward had met me down by then and gave me a weird look before wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"Hey, Bells-"

"Jake, I don't think this is a good time. I'm preoccupied right now," I said hoping he would get the hint. Edward and Jake were not on the best terms. He was silent for a moment before answering.

"With him, huh? It's nice how after all that time and all that he did to you - you still choose him and run into his arms openly!"

"Jake, please," I begged. I grabbed the side of the counter for support as memories tried to break through the wall I worked so hard on building.

"I bet he doesn't even know! I bet he doesn't know how you brought sharp objects to your skin and _sliced_ yourself open," he said icily. _His_ words were slicing _me_ open. "Or how every hour you tried to get in contact with Alice or how you tried to commit-"

"Jacob! Stop!" I choked out with a sob and fell to my knees.

"You leave her alone you filthy mutt," Edward said fiercely before hanging up the phone. I felt him sit next to me but I refused to look at him as I continued to cry.

"Bella," he whispered softly as he placed his hand underneath my chin and turned my head his way. I could only shake my head.

"Is this true?" He paused taking a ragged breath. "I'm so sorry, Isabella. I cannot believe you were in _that_ much pain."

"It's not your fault. It's mine," I said after I had calmed down.

"I cannot be without you, my love," he stated simply.

* * *

><p>"<em>I cannot be without you," his voice echoed in my ears. I smiled at his words. <em>I can't be without you either, Edward_, I thought. _

_It was one in the morning and I was sitting on my bedroom floor with numerous pills in my hand. I was so close to death that I so badly wanted. I was so close to freedom from this pain. Soon the chains that were tied around me would soon be released and I could walk around freely. I was so close._

_With shaky hands I raised the pills close to my mouth and popped each one in. I was really about to do this. I grabbed the note that I had already written for Charlie and set it besides me. Clutching the glass of water I took a big swig of it and felt each pill flow down my throat. I smiled in satisfaction. The pills would take about forty-five minutes to work but I could wait._

_I looked over at the note that I had wrote for Charlie. _

_Charlie,_

_Please forgive me. I just couldn't do this pain is too real and too raw. I feel myself falling apart piece by piece, day by night. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. This wasn't your fault._

_Love, Bella._

_Tears began to well up at the thought of Charlie finding me. He was going to be devastated but I was too selfish to stay. I just hopped he could find someone to take care of his heart and treat him the way he deserved. _

"_You deserve so much more," I whispered. _

_I never understood why Charlie never moved on from my mother but now I did. The big question now was how he had survived. How he lived through his wife taking his only child and never coming back. Taking such a huge piece away from him. In sense I was too taking another piece away from him. _

_Tears slid down my cheek as I began to say my final goodbyes to my loved ones. Goodbye Renee. I love you with all my heart. Goodbye Charlie. I'm so sorry you'll have to see me like this. Goodbye Jake. You were more than I ever could deserve. Thank you for being such a great friend. Goodbye Edward… I love you._

"_I cannot be without you," I breathed before darkness swallowed me whole._


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

After Edward discovered about the time I tried to commit he wouldn't let me out of his sight and when he had to feed he made sure that another Cullen was always there watching me. I was grateful for all the protection but thought that it was unnecessary. I did understand, however, that it would make Edward feel comfortable. After learning such extreme things I would, too, want to make sure that person was alright.

"How have you been?" Alice's chirpy voice rang throughout the house. I smiled.

"Better," I replied honestly. A lot of the bad past habits I had grown accustom to vanished when we had saved Edward from Italy.

"I would like to go shopping," she commented and I rolled my eyes. Of course she did.

I watched Alice as she continued to paint her nails. It amazed me how the Cullen family cared so much about me and never judged me. She didn't make the slightest comment about the hundreds of Emails she had received. She still treated me like a sister.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. She looked up at me with sad eyes.

"I understand. No need to apologize," her voice was so sad but still sounded like a beautiful bells. "I do have a question though."

"Yes?" I asked curious.

"Do you still talk to that dog?" I winced slightly at the name calling. Though Jake pretty much dropped me after that last phone call didn't mean I stopped caring for him.

"He never called me back."

"You miss him," it wasn't a question and I couldn't lie. I replied with a small nod.

"Edward doesn't know. I never told him."

"Doesn't know what?" I asked furrowing my eyebrows. She looked at me with wide eyes.

"About that moment you had with the dog," I still didn't know what she was talking about. "before Edward called."

I froze. Jake and I did have a moment together. We almost kissed. I can't deny that I had begun growing feelings for Jake but it was nothing compared to my love for Edward. Jacob and I actually had a few of those moments.

_The woods across Jake's house were filled with out laughter. He always knew how to make me feel better and to make the huge, painful hole numb. I wiped some tears away from my eyes as my laughter began to calm down. I caught Jake staring at me with deep eyes._

"_What is it?" I asked confused. He smiled softly and looked down messing with the can of soda he had in his hand._

"_I don't know," he said unconvincingly. I gave him the best play glare I could muster._

"_Tell me," I demanded. He sighed._

_"You're just - just so beautiful," he whispered. I froze from his words. There was no pretending and acting like I never knew Jake liked me but I never thought he would actually voice _those_ words. I looked down at my feet and kicked some fallen leaves._

"_Oh," I said softly. "Thanks."_

_I heard him shuffle around and then some crunching of leaves. I looked up at him thinking he was walking away from me but he was coming my direction. As he walked the red, yellow, and brown fallen leaves swirled around his feet._

"_Bells," he said bending down and looking me in the eyes. I couldn't respond memorized by his eyes. Jacob was beautiful but I never actually _looked_ at him before. His warm hands grabbed a hold of mine and I stared down as he entwined our fingers together. _

"_If you gave me a chance I would never hurt you. I would always care for you and keep you safe and warm. I could grow old with you, Bella. I could father you with children and then watch them have children. We could be grandparents, y'know? If you just gave me a chance."_

_I took a deep breath and tried to not let the tears fall. I knew that Jacob could give me all of that and that _He_ could not. I had accepted that fact along time ago. Kids were not the first on my priority list. Just an extra gift that I would be grateful for. I looked at Jake as he stared at me intently._

"_Please," he begged. I closed my eyes. We could have a great life together, I reasoned. But you still love _him_._

"_I don't know, Jake. This is all coming so fast," I said. It wouldn't be fair to Jake. I could never give my whole self to him because a piece of my heart would always belong to someone else. _

"_Look at me," he said softly. I looked up. He quickly grabbed my face and kissed me. I tensed up surprised. His warm lips melted against mine and I couldn't help but move my lips against his. The kiss was sweet and tender. "We could become one."_

_I tried to blink away my tears but they came to quickly and began to flow out my eyes. I squeezed them shut trying to stop the water gates. Jacob wiped away the tears that were streaming and kissed me again. Guilt flooded throughout my whole body. I couldn't do this. My heart didn't belong to him._

"_Please don't fight this. Please don't fight us," he begged and kissed me again. The guilt that was flowing through my body and suffocating me quickly was replaced with a nice warm feeling. My heart raced twice as fast causing me to deepen the kiss. "Damn Bella."_

_His words excited me and I threw myself at him. He broke away from the kiss and let out a yelp. He wrapped his arms around me as he fell backwards into the leaves from the loss of balance. The fallen leaves flew up into the air and swirled around. I giggled and looked down at Jake. He grabbed my face and kissed me again and again. _


End file.
